Having affairs- What's wrong with me??!!

Wow....I can't believe I am putting all this into words, but I feel I need guidance. Let's start with I am 37 years old, married 20 years, we have a 20 year old off in college and a 13 year old. My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage. It all started when I first met him when I was 16, I was CERTAIN he was sleeping with his brothers wife. I kind of just let that go, until it started up again around 2005. I had all the proof I needed except a confession from them. I had voicemails that she'd left him, lies he was caught in, etc. So, this round 2 with him and her I was totally devastated. I cried every day, I begged and pleaded for the truth. I felt the change in our personal relationship, no intimacy, no sex and no affection. I threatened to leave him, but never did. Maybe I was scared financially, also I didn't want my girls in a broken home. We have a really happy family life believe it or not, people would be shocked at what goes on behind closed doors though. Anyway, so I had my first affair with a married co-worker that I became very close with around 2006, it lasted about a year. I really like him, but we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere, we didn't want to destroy our family plus he was dealing with a lot of guilt. The pain with my husband and sister in law still lurked and still consumed my mind almost every day, so I did the unthinkable and I am disgusted with myself about it. I did tell my brother in law about the proof I had on them two and he said he had often wondered too, I let him hear the voicemails etc, and we both cried. Well several month later we had an affair. I am very ashamed, I was so ANGRY and I hated her so much I felt like I would feel like "HAH! I got you back!", I thought I would feel better but I didn't. I did for a while but looking back it did nothing to relieve that pain, it just added my shame that I slept with her husband. Okay, so that's two affairs.....by this time, there is no intimacy with my husband. I missed him, even after all the hurt I missed the intimacy,the kissing etc but it's like it was lost. I suggested counseling and he refuses.
So fast forward about 2 years, I was going out with some coworkers after work, and ended up having a one night stand with a guy a little younger than me, a one night stand and that's all it was and we still remained friends after that until I left that company.
Then, in 2007 I started an emotional affair with another married co-worker. We fooled around, never had sex, he was a good friend and he still is.
2009, I had an affair with another married man that I was close with from work, we started this affair after I left the company and it lasted about 6 months. He would tell me things that made me think he was looking more long term, like he wanted out of his marriage and I wasn't. He actually kind of ended it with me though. We just kinda of stopped talking, I felt kind of dumped with that one and it hurt.
So now, I am lonelier than ever in my marriage, I feel no attraction towards my husband, we have no desire for eachother. He says he's happy but I don't see how that can be, we have sex once a month, sometimes not even that much. I made an account with Ashley Madison (I know, I know), and have met this man and have started an affair. We chatted on IM a lot, on the phone and met once for sex. We are planning again this week. I'm really kind of not feeling like he's totally interested. I mean he says things like, "I only want you"...we goof around a lot, we have fun. He's good looking. He's also a family man, doesn't down his wife, says she's a good woman but the sex just just isn't there for him. He has two small children, he's 43 and much like my story he says all of their family and friends think their life/marriage is perfect, but he needs more.
So, I'm finding myself wanting more from this already. I know he's busy, he has a very demanding job but I feel like when I don't hear from him enough, maybe he's changed his mind, maybe he's having second thoughts. Sounds like I'm insecure, right? Sometimes he'll leave me hanging on a chat and just log out....or he won't answer a question that I want answered. He doesn't pursue talking on the phone too much....things that in my other affairs I had but in this one I want and he doesn't seem to. I realize it's just an affair to him and I'm considering ending it, because I can already see myself getting hurt out of this one. Affairs never end good, but they are so fulfilling at the moment. I sometimes think maybe I should just leave my husband, I'm doing him so wrong and this is making me a habitual cheater. I also blame him for all of the hurt he caused me, of all people to cheat with he picks his brother's wife? Seriously..??? I still, to this day hate family functions with his side of the family. I feel so much anger with that entire situation and maybe it's a copout but I blame a lot of the way I am today because of that. He was my only one I'd ever slept with until I was 30 years old and now it's just gone out of control. Help!!!

Source: http://able2know.org/topic/199571-1

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